A Pastor’s Wife’s Chronicles
Megan Woods came out with a song called The truth, I was on my way to work the other day when I heard it for the first time. Lets just say by the time I got to work I was a blubbering mess. There is a line in the song “He looks at me and wouldn’t change a thing…” The thought that this perfect God sees me and wants me just as I am is overwhelming. I am such a flawed human being, who falls short in so many ways, but yet He still wants me mess and all.
The song also talks about all the lies that we hear, that we loose sight of who we are because of the lies that we listen to. Oh how true that is, no matter how old you are, no matter how long you have been walking with the Lord I feel like this is a constant struggle for most people. The devil wants to keep you in bondage, he doesn’t want you to go to God, he wants you to feel like God could never forgive you, but the truth is no matter how many times we mess up, no matter how big we mess up God wants us to come to Him. If we truly repent and turn from it, He is just and forgives us.
“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. ” Genesis 1:27
We were made in the image of a perfect God! When the devil whispers in your ear that your not good, remember there is a God who is and He loves you!
Matthew 18:21-22 “Then peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, How many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy- seven times.”
Forgiveness is a touchy subject for some. I know it was one of the many things I struggled with when I was first saved, and if I am being honest some times I still struggle with this. Whether its forgiving someone else or forgiving myself, the latter is more of a struggle, it just feels difficult.
The one thing I have learned about forgiving other people is it’s not for them; I am forgiving them so that I don’t have a root of bitterness nor anger towards that person because, in the end, those feelings aren’t from God and they hurt me and my relationship with God. Let’s also keep this in perspective: in all of the wrong things I have done to God, He forgave me. So there is nothing anyone on this earth could do to me that I haven’t already done to God. If He can forgive and He is perfect, why can I, an imperfect human, not?
Lets move onto forgiving ourselves, which for me is by far harder than forgiving others. I think there are several reasons I struggle with this more. First, I expect more from myself, and when I fall short and make mistakes or bad decisions, I just feel dumb. Most importantly, I know when I sin it hurts God, so it’s hard for me to forgive myself when I hurt Him. I also struggle when I hurt people. If you haven’t figured it out, I am a people pleaser. I have a tendency to beat myself up even when it is something out of my control. (I know, I know, everyone reading this right now is probably screaming at the screen, “Maria, work on that!” I am.) It is a long process and probably a lifelong process, to be honest. I try to always remind myself that God loves me; even though it doesn’t make sense to me, He does. In order to forgive myself, I always start with prayer: “God, show me how to forgive myself so I can let this go and move on.” Sometimes it’s quick, and other times it could be months or years before I am able to completely forgive myself and move on.
Forgiveness takes time, whether you are working on forgiving someone else or yourself. Here is the thing to remember: God wants progress. If you are actively working towards forgiveness, then you are on the right track.
I spent a lot of my childhood and teenage years feeling worthless. I found myself trying to prove my worth in ways that were less than desirable, and none of them worked. It seemed the more I tried to prove my worth or find my worth, the bigger void it left within me. Now, being saved, I understand that void could only be filled by God. Matthew 10:31 states, “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” In this passage, Jesus is explaining that He takes care of the birds, and obviously, we are worth more than that to Him.
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding:”
2 years ago I delivered my son. During that time covid was still going crazy, part of the protocol when you went to the hospital to deliver is you and your spouse must be tested for covid, if either one of you tests positive then the spouse has to leave. If I am being honest I was scared to death of this, thankfully we both tested negative. I deliver our son early at 34 weeks, he has to go to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) I stay for 24 hours, they test me again as per there protocol so that I can be let back into the hospital the next day, because my son has to stay. They didn’t get my results back before they released me, I went back the next morning to see my son, I get to his room he’s in an incubator under the blue lights for jaundice. I set my stuff down, and a nurse comes rushing in and closes the door. One of you has covid She says. I am dumbfounded, I just tested negative 2 days ago, if my son has it how did he get it? She says don’t leave this room I will be right back. A few minutes later she comes back and tells me I am the one that’s positive. Here is where the lesson begins, I had to leave for 15 days. In that time neither my husband or I was allowed to go see him. Talk about a gut punch.
One thing I have learned through my journey with God is that He always keeps me guessing. What I mean by that is this, when I get comfortable He pulls me out of my comfort, He wants to stretch me and a lot of times that involves me being, well, uncomfortable. God has me and my husband in a new season of life, He has called us to start a church and as you may imagine this is no easy feat. In this He is teaching me many things, I am an introvert by nature, I know how can a pastors wife be an introvert? Well its difficult to be actually, that’s one of the ways I am being stretched right now. I am having to get out of my bubble talk to people make friends and Gasp I might even have to invite someone to church, for some that sounds easy for me it sounds like He is asking me to climb mount Everest. However I am reminded that in James 1:2-3 “Consider it pure Joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” When I read this verse I know that I am supposed to be happy He is teaching me, and sometimes I am. There are times where my flesh kicks in and I do what God wants me to do, but I do it kicking and screaming like a toddler that heard the word “no” I want you to remember God doesn’t expect perfection, He expects us to actively strive to do our best for Him on the daily.
About Maria
The Pastor’s Wife
A Wife and Mother, Seeking God
I am a Pastor Frank’s wife of five years and a mother to our three-year-old son. God is my focus. I was saved seven years ago and have not looked back. I am not a typical woman in that I love all things, such as, cars, and motorcycles, and fixing things, in addition to sewing and gardening. I also love caring for my husband and son, and enjoy spending time at the beach with them when we can.